cold

I've been hiding my feelings for so long, some of it i shared in my previous blogs, and few of it i've shared with my friends/bf, and the most are still hidden deep inside my heart.

As anyone aware/ not aware (i dont care), for the past few years, i was cold, and quiet, and not friendly-looking. some of the times, i was happy, cheerful, and laugh so hard (i'm not bipolar, ok?). Its just, actually, i never was really happy at all.. i tried my best to hide my feelings, and at time i just can't lie that i'm depress and sad, i will have that cold appearance. I was, really, really sad.

Sometimes, yes, i took my friends' opinion, but i won't talk much.. its because i don't agree with u, and i don't think u understand my situation. and i dont see u as someone who has the right to tell me that everything is ok, while in fact, it is not. I'm tired, not because of my problems, but because i have to keep pretend that i'm ok..while actually i am not. i am not ok, since the very beginning.

i cant do anything. i cant stop it from getting broken, i cant wish it for not getting broken. It is SO HARD when nothing i can do except to watch it broken, and the HARDEST part is, i have to accept that it is broken and have to accept the fate.

we are only a small group, comprise of 4 people. but yet, we can't be happy like everyone else.

stress

right now, at this moment, i can feel my blood pressure is increasing, my heart pumping, and i just can't take it anymore. too much pressure, i unable to handle it myself.
i feel like leaving everything behind, EVERYTHING.
i don't want a new life, as it will be just the same.
i guess, somehow, i might still living in the past, and for a while, i step on to the reality, it has changed. A LOT.
i shut my eyes, and i refuse to accept the reality.
i'm happy with my past, for those i can recall, the happy faces. those HAPPY faces. My happy face.
but now, i'm not that happy anymore.
i can laugh, i can make jokes, but i don't think it matters.