mungkin ikut perasaan je ni...

haha... ape bende la tajuk post ni~ lol

ok, so, actually now aku dah abes degree.. best sgt2.. happy sgt2.. :D
and now its the time that i won't be able to see him...
ye la.. die keje 6hari seminggu.. then weekend slalunye die ade dgn family..
susah sgt nak jumpe die..
if aku keje plak, susah jgk.. if die free, tbe2 aku plak ngade2 x free..
haish... sedih kot ble last jumpe die... rase nak nanges, tp x nanges.. x terfikir pun nk nanges..
coz he made me happy. yes, i laughed a lot!
But, skang nie, ble sorang2 rase sunyi plak.. rase sedih...
kdg2 fikir, ade jodoh x ni...
kdg2 berdoa dlm hati... please la ade jodoh dgn die...
i don't know how to say this, but...
aku mmg dah jumpa someone yg almost 100% same dgn aku...
cara fikir same, pendapat almost same...
and aku mcm bleh predict ape die nak, and die mcm bleh predict ape aku nak/suka..
mcm it's too good to be true, but it is!!!

kdg2 fikir, bleh x aku nk propose? hahahahaha
what if die reject? lol...

jauh sgt fikir ni...
xnak pun kawen lagi...
mase dpn jauh lg...
nak keje.. dpt licence pharmacy... then smbung master...
bukak satu retail pharmacy... then baru la nak kawen..
tambah tolak dlm 5-7 thn gak lagi...
wa... tuanye ble nk kawen...
berkedut la dlm gmbar nnt... :P

ntah la.. agaknye ikut perasaan je skang ni..
tp aku akan cuba jgk.. harap2 la hubungan ni xde pape yg trjadi...
aku boleh sabar!
sbb aku mmg rase aku dh jumpa my 'mr.right'. :)
tapi.... byk sgt dugaan ni...
harap2 dipermudahkan lah...
i just don't know how my life will be without him.

kalau die jodoh aku, harap2 dipanjangkan jodoh tu dan permudahkanlah segala urusan kami...

no title

i'm tired... i cant do it anymore. i try n try... somehow tried to lie to myself. -_______-" somehow tried to tell myself that its not that bad.. its not that hard... but maybe its enough. if someone else really eager to take u from me, n u dont feel like its a problem, then, i guess u're not mine anymore. its ok la.. i just let u go. i can step away. its hard, really hard, coz i really love u, n i know i can't live without u. but ur heart not belong to me anymore. its belong to someone else.

i just hope i can be strong. i wish i can be strong. i hope i can find other like u. just like u. mybe yes, i unable to forget u at all.

sad..

this post is about what i'm feeling now. sad. i just realized dat my previous posts were all about sad-sad things, and only few were happy things... hmmmmmmm... well, when i'm happy, i have a lots of things to write down, and i'm lazy. so, when i'm sad, i feel like writing it all down, since, no one cares and no one will listen or read anyway. zzz~

me friends family -> family
me friends -> friends -> argue -> me
me family -> family
me family -> no other choice -> me
friends and family -> necessary -> friends -> most of time-> family
me??? <none of the above>

i hate what coming to my mind when ppl were impressed by u. esp the ladies.
i hate what coming to my mind when u look ashamed.
i feel like turing back the time and leave u.
i feel like wishing for a fairy to come and grant me 3 wishes:
1. i dont want u and want to lost my memories
2. i dont want u by turning back the time
3. i dont want to exist.

nothing in my mind rite now, its just, i hate u; and i dont want u.

cold

I've been hiding my feelings for so long, some of it i shared in my previous blogs, and few of it i've shared with my friends/bf, and the most are still hidden deep inside my heart.

As anyone aware/ not aware (i dont care), for the past few years, i was cold, and quiet, and not friendly-looking. some of the times, i was happy, cheerful, and laugh so hard (i'm not bipolar, ok?). Its just, actually, i never was really happy at all.. i tried my best to hide my feelings, and at time i just can't lie that i'm depress and sad, i will have that cold appearance. I was, really, really sad.

Sometimes, yes, i took my friends' opinion, but i won't talk much.. its because i don't agree with u, and i don't think u understand my situation. and i dont see u as someone who has the right to tell me that everything is ok, while in fact, it is not. I'm tired, not because of my problems, but because i have to keep pretend that i'm ok..while actually i am not. i am not ok, since the very beginning.

i cant do anything. i cant stop it from getting broken, i cant wish it for not getting broken. It is SO HARD when nothing i can do except to watch it broken, and the HARDEST part is, i have to accept that it is broken and have to accept the fate.

we are only a small group, comprise of 4 people. but yet, we can't be happy like everyone else.

stress

right now, at this moment, i can feel my blood pressure is increasing, my heart pumping, and i just can't take it anymore. too much pressure, i unable to handle it myself.
i feel like leaving everything behind, EVERYTHING.
i don't want a new life, as it will be just the same.
i guess, somehow, i might still living in the past, and for a while, i step on to the reality, it has changed. A LOT.
i shut my eyes, and i refuse to accept the reality.
i'm happy with my past, for those i can recall, the happy faces. those HAPPY faces. My happy face.
but now, i'm not that happy anymore.
i can laugh, i can make jokes, but i don't think it matters.

hmmm

ntah nape kebelakangan ni byk pikir plak... makin byk pikir makin byk soalan yg xde jwpannye. letih da dgn life ni... da xtaw nak wat pe lg...

kdg2, tgk kwn2 kt claz bising2 ckp cuti xckup wat aku fikir, "kalo kau nk cuti sgt, berhenti la study ni. kalo nk cuti byk, jgn amek course ni." ye la kan... sebelum amek course ni, fikir la dlu, kite study ni nk tolong org, bukan semata2 duit aje. mmg la gaji byk, tp kalo gaji byk tp xde rasa kesian n prihatin kat patients, xpayah keje la.. amek bisnes ke, tu mmg kaya.. ade company sendiri, ko nak cuti setahun pun cuti la.

even mase keje kat hospital, kite xleh nk cuti sesuka ati je.. unless mmg perangai mcm tu kan, then baik cuti je aa, brambus lg baik.. kalo diri sendiri tu rase nak cuti sebulan, xyah amek course ni. xyah nak ckp kolej x adil sbb x bg cuti byk. ko nak cuti byk sgt ko pegi kat negara lain. atau kat universiti lain. bukan kat sini. xpon ko duduk je la kat umah tu.. confirm bleh cuti lama..

byg kan la, kalo mak bapak ko sakit tenat, or any family members ko sakit kuat nak masuk hospial, tp doktor xde, pharmacist pun xde sbb cuti.. i patient dh nak mati ni.. mcm mane? sakt hati kan? ni baru la x adil. kan? paling kuat pun kalo nak cuti sgt, bukak la farmasi sndiri, klinik sndiri. time tu ko nak tutup setahun pun xpe.

menyampah dgn org2 yg mcm ni. kalo xde rase nak wat kerja ni, tukar kerja lain je la.

Hope

Sejak kebelakangan ni, rasa semakin kuat nak tolong orang2 yg memerlukan ni, cthnya mcm anak2 yatim, dan org2 miskin.. saye sndiri slalu google mcm mane nak join jadi sukarelawan utk tolong mereka, tapi, xjumpa pun mane2 yg ade link utk buat mcm tu. saye sendiri under Young Mercy Malaysia, tp, xde program pun.. last time ade la, ktorang pegi sekolah rendah bagi kaunseling dan motivasi... tp saye nak wat lebih drpd tu..

saye slalu baca psal org2 yg buka rumah anak2 yatim ni.. sebenarnye, saye sendiri, teringin nak ambil sorang anak angkat, kalo bleh, baby lagi la, utk saye jaga smpai la die besar... tp xtau nak cari kat mane.. tunggulah, sampai saye dh keje nnt, ade pendapatan tetap, saye nak ambil sorang baby, if kembar pun ok jugak.. :)

saye ade bgtau my bf pasal ni, and die pun sokong hasrat saye ni.. insya-Allah, harap2 die pun boleh sama2 dgn saye. saye teringin nak bgtau classmates saye, mintak kitorang satu claz pegi buat sukarelawan kat rumah anak2 yatim...tp saye rase xde org yg nak join saye.. kenape? saye dh kenal dorang 4thn kot... tau2 je sape yg nak, sape yg xnak...

teringin nak wat volunteer mcm my fren, qistina. die pegi kat afrika.. dari dulu lg mmg saye nk wat mcm tu. bile dh nmpak kawan sendiri wat, saye lagi la nk wat volunteer ni...

tp tu la... xtaw nk pegi ke mane utk join volunteer ni. Young Mercy pon senyap je....