i wonder

i wonder... if u're willing to runaway with me, n leave averything behind, just to be with me?

i wonder...if u're willing to always be there to help me stands up again?

i wonder...if u're willing to love me if one day i'm no longer beautiful or useless to u?

i wonder...if i'm no longer by ur side, will u remember me and wish that i'm the one who's next to u?

i wonder...if i need to go to a place, faraway from here, will u follow me or will u wait for me?

i wonder...if everyone is against me, will u stand by my side, and believe me?

i wonder...if everyone left me, will u be there, hug me and wash away my tears?

i wonder...if it's worth trying and waiting...

mix feelings...

i don't know whether i must stay or go?

i don't know, whether i'm ready to stand alone.

i just need my own space. i just need u. u always there for me. i wonder its ur willingness or u just sympathy to me. it's may sound crazy and 'lame', but, for now, i just feel that, if i fail in this relationship, i don't want to be in relationship anymore. thinking of just adopting a child, and just go on with life. yes, for now, i'm giving up. sorry, i just can't trust malay man. my past...makes me afraid. this is just my feelings for now. don't know what happen in future.

tutup tirai 21..

kurang 24jan dr skang, saye akan masuk 22thn.. :)
so, imbas balik spj tahun ni... ermmm.... well,.. mcm2 jgk la yg jadi kat saye...
yg paling top skali, saye gi dpt kan treatment...
so, bleh kate, mmg berkesan la treatment tu...
saye pun bertambah sihat, and dpt rase yg saye smakin positif..
mmg xsalah gi treatment tu.. tgk je la saye skang, makin happy n positif..
dah xde give up lagi b4 nak masuk exam hall...
dah xde nanges2 lagi...
ade la jgk nanges... tp xde la tiap2 hari mcm dulu..
dah xde gaduh2 lg dgn die...
n tahun ni bleh dikatakan kejayaan utk x dengar org ngumpat...
serius! mmg dah lame xdgr... kdg2 je dgr.. tu pun kalo dorang yg dtg bgtau...
lol..
tp saye still xde rase nak jadi aktif cam dlu...
rase2 nak start drawing balik, n masuk class pun ade, tp still x ready nak wat...
rase nak main sports pun ade, tp still x rase nak wat...
xpe.. bleh improve lagi... :)
exam ari tu? emmm... ok la... xtau la leh jawab ke x.. haha.. sbb x yakin sgt... tp saye dah cuba yg terbaik dan saye akan trus cuba lagi.
rase mcm saye dah bazirkan satu tahun... ntah la... mgkin ade sebab knape saye jd mcm tu kot..
mgkin sbb dah lame simpan perasaan geram, sakit hati, x adil, menyampah....
so, ble saye ckp kat diri sendiri, knape sume tu msti saye ambil kesah sgt?
bukannye penting pon... bukannye akan ubah dunia pon...
so, saye amik kputusan utk x amek peduli lagi, dan teruskan hidup ni...
cume saye harap, saye x toleh belakang lagi, dan perlahan2 mula lepaskan masa lalu...

cam pelik je ari ni... ye... mgkin sbb x cukup tido... haha
ok, cukup la..
saye harap esok saye akan mulakan satu perjalanan baru, dgn positif dan Happy!
so, Happy birthday to me.. :)

outing with friends n bf :)

last thursday all of us, (my bf, my housemates and my classmates) went to B. lalang to play kites. we had lots of fun at the beach, and they were playing kites. i'm not intesrested to play, actually and i just talking and laughed as they compete each other on who's kite will not fell on the ground. haha..  we just finished our final exam and we decided to go for outing to release stress after exam. Actually it was my housemates' idea. i just said ok, bcoz there were few times i turned them down when they asked me out. i felt sorry for them as i used to hang out a lot with them during 1st year and 2nd year.

we laughed, played kites, talking and we're having so much fun. until they decided to had seafood for dinner. well, i'm not a big fan of seafood but my bf asked to to join, and he really2 want me to join them. actually i'm quite tired and sleepy as i don't have enough sleep for the past 3 weeks due to exam weeks and study week.but then, i thought, a dinner won't be so bad, then i said ok, and asked them to find the best seafood restaurant there. hahahaha as it is my bf's hometown, so he told them which of the restaurant is the best. The workers quite shocked as there were actually a big number of us, and they set up a long table for us. my bf and some of my friends went to order the food, while some of us including me, just sat at the table and talking.

suddenly, out of no where, my roomate, came out with a huge birthday cake, and all of us sang the birthday song. i'm not shocked as i thougt d cake was for ws, as her birthday also in december. then finally my roomates brought the cake in front of me, and they all wished me happy birthday. ok, shocking, seriously, as it was an advanced birthday celebration. so sweet, they tried to hide it from me, and my bf also never told me anything about it. the funny part was, i also sang the birthday song and eventually sang ws's name. hahaha she laughed real hard and said they went to celebrate last time but i was busy doing my research and last minutes study for exam.

so happy they palnned a birthday celebration for me. so sweet.. :) i always love my housemates and my bf, as they were people who really close to me in college.  my roomates, they understand me better, and really care of me. thank u so much, everyone. :)

Oh yea.. can't wait for our holidays next year in Indonesia (class trip- but only half of the classmates are going) and Sabah (my housemates- 7 people, ws's bf, my bf and 3 of our classmates; some of our classmates also planning to join but not yet confirm). Its going to be lots of fun hang around with my friends and bf. :)

next event- going to Pd (-___-") with my mum and sis. Actually in my opinion, Pd is boring, and the beach is dirty, not like last time... we suggest to mum to go to different places, but she refused as pd is very near to our house, and easy for her to come back home. lol... so, i guess will be celebrating new year in pd.. yes, i celebrate new year by watching tv.hahahaha i don't like party or whatsoever, ok? not a big problem, and i like it, as every year, since i was small, my family celebrates new year.

another upcoming event is my bf's birthday as well as my roomates' birthday in January. oh yea, also hanis's birthday.. i already got few plans for my bf's birthday, but i have none for my friends. i think will discuss with my housemates about it.

this is another story. i don't know, somehow, i don't like the those two 'crows'. i think that they are very rude to some people in the class and they are very good in pretending to be nice. i think some of us know about this, especially her ex-bestfriend. but we're professionals, and we don't want to raise the matter, as it seems to me it is sort of childish. but its hurt, they hurt me, and i don't feel like want to be nice to them anymore.

well, like my bf always said, just pretend they don't exist, and they are black, and we cannot see them.  (crows). well, what goes around comes around. now u will be at the top, and everything is doing fine for u and u will think that u're right and made the best decision. But, u wait until one fine day when u fall down and hurt urself and the the only thing u will think of is ur family- the one u left for ur disgusting hairy bf. (i know i'm bad, but i'm really angry rite now.will ignored later). like her ex-best friend said, when u fall down i will be the one who will laugh real hard.

tak suka

since everyone obsessed dgn tarikh 11.11.11 ni, smpai sume org nak kawen mase ni la, nak lahir anak mase ni la.. and sume tu perkara yg happy2 je.. :) tp ade la sesetengah org yg tak open-minded and maybe dorang jeles or whatever, siap mintak pandagan ustaz lagi psal benda ni. for me, biase la tu, tarikh tu cantik, senang nak ingat, mesti la sume org nak wat mase tu kan.. tp plan je la, some of people, plan je, tp x dpt buat pun.. what if ur birthday mase 11 november, and suddenly dis year kene plak 11.11.11, then ade org tu ckp tarikh tu bodoh, ape perasaan korang? dah la yg kate 'bodoh' tu, drpd mulut org yg beragama tinggi.. x sesuai langsung dgn gelaran tu.. kalo rase nak mencarut, tak payah une gelaran tu. x elok budak2 kecik tgk..

aku mmg agak kecik ati la, coz its my mum and dad wedding anniversary mase 11.11.11 ari tu. and ade org beragama tinggi tu kate tarikh tu and org yg celebrate tarikh tu bodoh. Bodoh ke aku nak celebrate anniversary mak bapak aku? suka hati la.. org2 yg berfikiran sempit mcm ni la wat negara tak maju. menyampah btol.

just admit

Bile kite susah, mesti kite sorang2 punye. Bile senang, tibe2 ade ramai orang sekeliling kite.

one upon a time in my life

When i was young, i really loves to read. I love to learn and I am the type of person who loves to think. I admit that I did think a lot. I love to look at the sky while i'm travelling and think. I think most of the time. I always think, what if the things didn't happen, then what will happen to the person? I love to observe those greedy people, those people who really good in pretending, how liars lie, etc etc.. I can say that I saw many types of people, until one time, i felt so scared. How scary the world is, but no one choose to take some times and think.

How liars conquer the crowds, and get huge applause from the audience. liars always win. they will always get attention from others.

For once, i saw one quote that change my life. I learnt from it. I don't have to prove to people, I don't have to tell what i know if they refused to listen to me. Like in the exam, i tell them what i knw about it, if they refused to believe me, i don't mind. U can trust whoever u want to trust. Maybe i did wrong, who knows? in the end, just look at the results. then u will see who's right and who's wrong.

Yea, i can say that my life never be fair for me. i loose many things i love, i lost the person i love, even if until now i didn't know why i'm still the one God choose to be tested? Did i made huge sins, kill people until i deserve to get this punishments? I always want to make my parents proud of me, i always ensure i still among the best to make them happy. I never stabbed behind people back. I love all my friends. i help them if i can, i listen to what they want to say, i also the one who be there when they need friend the most.but it seems they never love me the way i do. ..

my bf really good to me. but, i don't think he trust me. i don't know, or its just my feelings.

i want to be evil now

i don't mean to be racist, and i never want to feel like this. not all of them, but ONLY this TWO people realy get me annoying. These TWO BLACK people really getting on my nerves. They think they so good enough? The girl left her own family she live with for 21 years for a uy she just met for 2 years. is it good?

everything she did they agreed. eventhough i already sad earlier about it, but they never listen to me.

my other black friends are ok, only his two people really annoyed me. stubborn. they think its easy to live by themselves?

one day he will leave you for his family. u just wait and see.

u won't be at the top forever. at least once u will fall down and u will never get up.

he make me smile

he is someone that i just met. The one thing i like about him is that he treat me like i'm a woman. i mean, he's very polite, and most important, he respect me. well, i may say that i have a different taste regarding to relationship. like me n my bf, i love him just becoz he never pretend infront of me. the truth is, my bf never pretend to be someone he's not just to attract my attention. i see people with my heart. oh yea, i always have my first impression on people. either its bad or good, usually in time, it will change. my bf, he is a chinese, and race never was the issue. he accept me d way i am. that is what i like about him. i like d way he ordered the food, the way he's driving d car, d way he smile and look at me. one thing, i really hate guys that just want to have relationship with me, and refuse "just to be friends" with me. i dun like guys that just say i'm ok, my idea is great, etc etc.. i like guys that can talk with me. hmm..more to discuss with me. i love something new. for me, if the guy just accept, its sooooo boring.

so, tomorrow is monday. need to see patient on wednesday... so, ok.. enough blogging. need to study now. :)

life has been good... :)

life now okok la. for me, i'm satiesfied with what i have now. enough money, enough everything, but poor health... :( biase la, student.... few weeks ni mmg keje keras mase attahments kat klinik and hospital... i'm very lucky coz dpt tmpt yg org2nye sume baik2 n helpful. so, mmg byk learn la..

so, am i already prepared to be a pharmacist?
-NO

there're so much things i want to learn, in which i just buat x taw je b4 dis...now dah nyesal.. but actually, i still can catch up... this semester almost at the end, next semester is my final semester, before i graduate.. please, please, let the time pass slowly... i want to learn more, love more, and appreciate more... 4 years.. time passby very quickly..

last week gi jumpa patient yg ade kanser... kesian sgt... lemah je, nmpak sgt tgh tahan sakit... each time nk administer chemo drugs, mcm ble tgk, yg dorang sgt2 harap dpt cpt sembuh, but at d same time, x sanggup nk terima ubat tu, sbb terlalu sakit... hope ble aku jd pharmacist nnt, aku nk elakkan sume extravasation event done by doctors. make sure dorang xde la suke2 bagi je,..

next week nk clerk case utk pt yg amek ubat yg senang dpt toxic level, or jenis2 ubat yg x mcm ubat biase.. usually ubat2 ni, dose berbeza utk stiap org... at d same time ade byk presentation... then kene siapkan research in 2 weeks time. tak raye la aku thn ni... name pon raye korban, so, aku pon koban jgk... korban nk celebrate n gi holiday demi researcch..... wuwuwu :'(

forget about those sad sad things

just forget.

i don't care about it.

remember when the last time i care? i cried and depressed.

so, just smile. its just something in ur mind.

let it go..

hati oh hati...

ntah nape,  rase agak down ari ni... terlalu byk keje nak buat, smpai xdpt nak blik... last week, jatuh skit.. tp skit2 pon, aku gagah jumpa patient kat hosp kjg. anemia spj mggu lps. sel drh merah mmg sgt kurang... tp still aku kuatkan diri pegi clerk case n jmpa patient. eventho, mase tu, aku sakit pale, badah dh peluh2, hati brdebar2... dehydrated.. tp, at least aku xde la pengsan hanye sbb x amek brakfast kan.. smpai sume org risau.

mcm2 yg nak luahkan arini... nak kata depan2, tp xde kekuatan.. rasenye, kalo diam diri lbih baik... nnt masa akan brlalu jgk.. nnt aku akan lupa jgk... nnt aku x kisah jgk... kdg2 aku rse diri ni xpnah sempura kat mata die.. kdg2 aku rase, walau sebyk mane aku cuba, ttp aku ni biase2 aje.. walau aku buat lbih byk, tp org xnmpak.. walau aku cuba yg terbaik, ttp org x pandang. tapi aku x kisah sgt la, sbb aku tau, aku buat lebih byk dan lebih baik dr org tu.. even lecturer x nmpak, xpe.. aku xde la nak attention sgt drpd lecturer tu.. just aku kecik ati, nape org2 xpnah hargai ape yg kte wat.. cuba kalo dorang buat, n org lain x hargai, tau pulak melenting, ungkit sane sini.. xpe la... org2 mcm tu, xkan pnah faham perasaan org yg kene tindas.

aku cuba yg terbaik utk diri sendiri. oh ye, exam lepas, aku dpt smua A. ade 2 subjek je ok.. xde la ape sgt.. tp aku agak happy la.. sbb aku brjaya buktikan pd diri sendiri yg aku pun bleh je score. and aku brjaya buktikan yg aku xmcm dulu.

keciknye hati ni...
if u dun feel like being appreciated, u can just go.

lukanya  hati ni...
fine, lets go.. we do what you want to do.

mengalir air mata ni...
thanxs for helping me just now. :)
-> for few years i helped u, u never say thank u to me.

u dun deserve for a respect. its time for me to teach u a lesson. its ok if i won't be someone u happy with, or u like, coz yea,... i'm too tired, we're just too different. in fact, i dont know why i'm still dat strong to keep u. still there to help u. still there to take care of u. Gosh, i'm so stupid.

buat hal sendiri aje

hope dpt la update blog lagi pasni... ak plan nak 'pegi jauh' n come back to reality. sbbkan aku trlalu takut n amek langkah brjaga2, hati aku trlalu risau n ak rse x best sgt... yea. i gv up. i gv up not bcoz i'm weak, but i gv up boz i know i'm strong enough to face the reality of life. to my b, one thing dat i promise u, as long as u're with me, i'll always stand by ur side. susah senang, kite lalui same2. i'll love u no matter what; coz i know, when u came into my life, i can feel dat i am falling in love for the first time. i hv my own definition of love. and its all bcoz of u.

mcm2 yg ak nk tulis utk post ni, tp xtau nk mulakan mcm mane. harap2 quotes ni boleh la luahkan smuanya.. :)

- the purpose of life is not being perfect, impressing people or succeeding at everything. Its just that life is simply making mistakes and learn from it, surround urself with the people u love when u're being urself, and get thru failure so that u can continue improving.

- I'd rather hv an enemy who say they hate me, than to keep a ''friend'' whose wisdom is to put me down secretly

-beauty gets attention, but personality captures the heart

-trust the one who can see these 3 things in u : sorrow behind ur smile, love behind ur anger n reason behind ur silence

-people who make fun of others usually cannot think of a single good thing about themselves.

-its just sucks when u know u did the best u could, but it still wasn't good enough

i hope that all my friends can live their life to the fullest, and will one day find their true love. don't care of what other people think about u, as long as u're happy with what u're doing now. they hv no right to say meanthings to u n u deserve to live ur life the way u want it to be. :)

malas malas aje

Lots of things to do...

I'm planning a vacation, actually.. hehe.. tp xtau nak gi mane yg best...try search tp sume cam x best je.. maybe kene tunggu dulu la pasal vacation nie... mmg xde idea la... wuwu

Pastu, i'm planning a romantic dinner wif my bf... ysterday i asked him, " u prefer makan ape ek?" and he answered, " chinese food." lol.. actually aku plan nak masak (cewahhhhhhhhhhhhhh) and set up satu table kat tepi tasik putrajaya. wahaha.. tp, chinese food... MANE LA AKU TAU NAK MASAK CAMNE~~~!!! -____________-" haiz... nmpaknye kene makan kat restaurant je la..

and, pasni, aku rase nak improve my communication skills.. kene improve english.. and at d same time, nak try blaja mandarin... actually dah almost 2 year dgn die, aku bleh faham sikit2 la mandarin ni.. tp kalo nak cakap, aku x reti.. pnah aku try nak cakap, then dorang kate xde meaning pon. alahai.... lgpun, bgus pe kalo blaja mandarin ni, mane tau patient aku nnt cina, kan senang sket nak kaunseling... :)

then, nak kene study pasal last year punye ubat... then calculations lg...

sbenarnye aku ni busy, tp aku saje je rileks2 skang ni... haha!!

just wonder

"Bahagia n gembira sgt ke hidup dengan air mata org lain?"

especially for prempuan yg rampas suami org, kaki buli, ketua yg menindas anak buah, org yg dera kanak2...

one evening

A: uhukkk uhukkkk!!!!
B: (busy playing games)
A: uhukkk uhukkk uhukkk!!! (went out).
B: (still playing games)
A: :'(
B: I'm sorry, I was wrong.
A: :)

berangan

I wonder... will someday a guy buy me a ring, and with all his heart, ask me to marry him?


Just wondering...

Hm...

hmmm...

I can't focus on my studies... :(
I can't answer the question...
I want to motivate myself again!

hehe :)

today's lesson: Eventho u're sad, n everything x seem to be alrite, take a few seconds to smile, and say, I will never give up, I will try again 2mr, I will be better 2mr...

this week... xde la ape sgt.. demam, batuk, sakit tekak, sakit perut, luka kat badan terkena bucu almari -___-" , blur dlm claz prof, but.......ade smthing yg wat rse happy sgt...

even benda ni xde la besar sgt, but this thing makes me happy.
finally d person want to talk to me. this is d first time :D
my rship pun ok...








-> one month n half... no news frm dad.hm.

quotes

“If we don’t let go of the old, we’ll never be able to embrace the new.”
~ Joel Osteen

two voices, one decision

Adeh... asal la ssh sgt aku nk lupekan pe pompuan tu wat.. tgk blog die cam jd kebiasaan plak. mmg dh trbukti aku xslh, n akhirnye si dia pun akur ckp aku, demi jg hubungan ni. tp kan...........................

Aku geram sgt. rase nak hack je akaun die.rase nk wat jahat kat die.. mmg aku x maafkan die lg.
tapi...........................

ade satu suara ckp, jangan... biar je la ape die nk wat... die dh dpt balasan pun... sabar byk2... ko sabar slame ni, ko dah naik skang... stiap air mata, balasan kat die, smpai die.. hmmm...

mgkin kebetulan aje...

nape la aku ni "baek" sgt... cube la jahat sket...

eh.. tak..tak... aku xleh jd jahat...

see??     -________________-"

patut solat la, tenang sket hati ni...

aku nak buang sume masa silam..
aku nak tenang skang..