mungkin ikut perasaan je ni...

haha... ape bende la tajuk post ni~ lol

ok, so, actually now aku dah abes degree.. best sgt2.. happy sgt2.. :D
and now its the time that i won't be able to see him...
ye la.. die keje 6hari seminggu.. then weekend slalunye die ade dgn family..
susah sgt nak jumpe die..
if aku keje plak, susah jgk.. if die free, tbe2 aku plak ngade2 x free..
haish... sedih kot ble last jumpe die... rase nak nanges, tp x nanges.. x terfikir pun nk nanges..
coz he made me happy. yes, i laughed a lot!
But, skang nie, ble sorang2 rase sunyi plak.. rase sedih...
kdg2 fikir, ade jodoh x ni...
kdg2 berdoa dlm hati... please la ade jodoh dgn die...
i don't know how to say this, but...
aku mmg dah jumpa someone yg almost 100% same dgn aku...
cara fikir same, pendapat almost same...
and aku mcm bleh predict ape die nak, and die mcm bleh predict ape aku nak/suka..
mcm it's too good to be true, but it is!!!

kdg2 fikir, bleh x aku nk propose? hahahahaha
what if die reject? lol...

jauh sgt fikir ni...
xnak pun kawen lagi...
mase dpn jauh lg...
nak keje.. dpt licence pharmacy... then smbung master...
bukak satu retail pharmacy... then baru la nak kawen..
tambah tolak dlm 5-7 thn gak lagi...
wa... tuanye ble nk kawen...
berkedut la dlm gmbar nnt... :P

ntah la.. agaknye ikut perasaan je skang ni..
tp aku akan cuba jgk.. harap2 la hubungan ni xde pape yg trjadi...
aku boleh sabar!
sbb aku mmg rase aku dh jumpa my 'mr.right'. :)
tapi.... byk sgt dugaan ni...
harap2 dipermudahkan lah...
i just don't know how my life will be without him.

kalau die jodoh aku, harap2 dipanjangkan jodoh tu dan permudahkanlah segala urusan kami...

no title

i'm tired... i cant do it anymore. i try n try... somehow tried to lie to myself. -_______-" somehow tried to tell myself that its not that bad.. its not that hard... but maybe its enough. if someone else really eager to take u from me, n u dont feel like its a problem, then, i guess u're not mine anymore. its ok la.. i just let u go. i can step away. its hard, really hard, coz i really love u, n i know i can't live without u. but ur heart not belong to me anymore. its belong to someone else.

i just hope i can be strong. i wish i can be strong. i hope i can find other like u. just like u. mybe yes, i unable to forget u at all.

sad..

this post is about what i'm feeling now. sad. i just realized dat my previous posts were all about sad-sad things, and only few were happy things... hmmmmmmm... well, when i'm happy, i have a lots of things to write down, and i'm lazy. so, when i'm sad, i feel like writing it all down, since, no one cares and no one will listen or read anyway. zzz~

me friends family -> family
me friends -> friends -> argue -> me
me family -> family
me family -> no other choice -> me
friends and family -> necessary -> friends -> most of time-> family
me??? <none of the above>

i hate what coming to my mind when ppl were impressed by u. esp the ladies.
i hate what coming to my mind when u look ashamed.
i feel like turing back the time and leave u.
i feel like wishing for a fairy to come and grant me 3 wishes:
1. i dont want u and want to lost my memories
2. i dont want u by turning back the time
3. i dont want to exist.

nothing in my mind rite now, its just, i hate u; and i dont want u.

cold

I've been hiding my feelings for so long, some of it i shared in my previous blogs, and few of it i've shared with my friends/bf, and the most are still hidden deep inside my heart.

As anyone aware/ not aware (i dont care), for the past few years, i was cold, and quiet, and not friendly-looking. some of the times, i was happy, cheerful, and laugh so hard (i'm not bipolar, ok?). Its just, actually, i never was really happy at all.. i tried my best to hide my feelings, and at time i just can't lie that i'm depress and sad, i will have that cold appearance. I was, really, really sad.

Sometimes, yes, i took my friends' opinion, but i won't talk much.. its because i don't agree with u, and i don't think u understand my situation. and i dont see u as someone who has the right to tell me that everything is ok, while in fact, it is not. I'm tired, not because of my problems, but because i have to keep pretend that i'm ok..while actually i am not. i am not ok, since the very beginning.

i cant do anything. i cant stop it from getting broken, i cant wish it for not getting broken. It is SO HARD when nothing i can do except to watch it broken, and the HARDEST part is, i have to accept that it is broken and have to accept the fate.

we are only a small group, comprise of 4 people. but yet, we can't be happy like everyone else.

stress

right now, at this moment, i can feel my blood pressure is increasing, my heart pumping, and i just can't take it anymore. too much pressure, i unable to handle it myself.
i feel like leaving everything behind, EVERYTHING.
i don't want a new life, as it will be just the same.
i guess, somehow, i might still living in the past, and for a while, i step on to the reality, it has changed. A LOT.
i shut my eyes, and i refuse to accept the reality.
i'm happy with my past, for those i can recall, the happy faces. those HAPPY faces. My happy face.
but now, i'm not that happy anymore.
i can laugh, i can make jokes, but i don't think it matters.

hmmm

ntah nape kebelakangan ni byk pikir plak... makin byk pikir makin byk soalan yg xde jwpannye. letih da dgn life ni... da xtaw nak wat pe lg...

kdg2, tgk kwn2 kt claz bising2 ckp cuti xckup wat aku fikir, "kalo kau nk cuti sgt, berhenti la study ni. kalo nk cuti byk, jgn amek course ni." ye la kan... sebelum amek course ni, fikir la dlu, kite study ni nk tolong org, bukan semata2 duit aje. mmg la gaji byk, tp kalo gaji byk tp xde rasa kesian n prihatin kat patients, xpayah keje la.. amek bisnes ke, tu mmg kaya.. ade company sendiri, ko nak cuti setahun pun cuti la.

even mase keje kat hospital, kite xleh nk cuti sesuka ati je.. unless mmg perangai mcm tu kan, then baik cuti je aa, brambus lg baik.. kalo diri sendiri tu rase nak cuti sebulan, xyah amek course ni. xyah nak ckp kolej x adil sbb x bg cuti byk. ko nak cuti byk sgt ko pegi kat negara lain. atau kat universiti lain. bukan kat sini. xpon ko duduk je la kat umah tu.. confirm bleh cuti lama..

byg kan la, kalo mak bapak ko sakit tenat, or any family members ko sakit kuat nak masuk hospial, tp doktor xde, pharmacist pun xde sbb cuti.. i patient dh nak mati ni.. mcm mane? sakt hati kan? ni baru la x adil. kan? paling kuat pun kalo nak cuti sgt, bukak la farmasi sndiri, klinik sndiri. time tu ko nak tutup setahun pun xpe.

menyampah dgn org2 yg mcm ni. kalo xde rase nak wat kerja ni, tukar kerja lain je la.

Hope

Sejak kebelakangan ni, rasa semakin kuat nak tolong orang2 yg memerlukan ni, cthnya mcm anak2 yatim, dan org2 miskin.. saye sndiri slalu google mcm mane nak join jadi sukarelawan utk tolong mereka, tapi, xjumpa pun mane2 yg ade link utk buat mcm tu. saye sendiri under Young Mercy Malaysia, tp, xde program pun.. last time ade la, ktorang pegi sekolah rendah bagi kaunseling dan motivasi... tp saye nak wat lebih drpd tu..

saye slalu baca psal org2 yg buka rumah anak2 yatim ni.. sebenarnye, saye sendiri, teringin nak ambil sorang anak angkat, kalo bleh, baby lagi la, utk saye jaga smpai la die besar... tp xtau nak cari kat mane.. tunggulah, sampai saye dh keje nnt, ade pendapatan tetap, saye nak ambil sorang baby, if kembar pun ok jugak.. :)

saye ade bgtau my bf pasal ni, and die pun sokong hasrat saye ni.. insya-Allah, harap2 die pun boleh sama2 dgn saye. saye teringin nak bgtau classmates saye, mintak kitorang satu claz pegi buat sukarelawan kat rumah anak2 yatim...tp saye rase xde org yg nak join saye.. kenape? saye dh kenal dorang 4thn kot... tau2 je sape yg nak, sape yg xnak...

teringin nak wat volunteer mcm my fren, qistina. die pegi kat afrika.. dari dulu lg mmg saye nk wat mcm tu. bile dh nmpak kawan sendiri wat, saye lagi la nk wat volunteer ni...

tp tu la... xtaw nk pegi ke mane utk join volunteer ni. Young Mercy pon senyap je....

me: I am lonely. I feel no one is there.
people: I am here. I always there if u need someone to talk to.
reality: Nobody's there. Nobody's there to listen to u. Nobody's there to comfort u. U on ur own.

that's the reality. No one is there when i need the most. People can promise, but will they be there 24 hours for me? I know God will always there, hear me.. listening to me. But, i need someone that can advise me, can respond to my questions, that able to comfort me. I am depress. and guess what? i am alone. nobody next to me. i'm on my own. anything i do, i'm on my own. don't question about what i did. coz u don't know what i've been thru.

keliru

aku rase saye dah x percaya lagi...
ape yg aku gambarkan dulu, dan yg saye percaya dulu, hakikatnye skarang bukan lagi...
ianya suci dan bersih, semua org tau dan semua org agung2kannye..
tapi kenape skarang sume org berlagak baik sgt?
kerana jika kite berpegang kuat, kite dapat kuasa? betul, kan?
kuasa utk tundukkan berjuta2 org..
kau bleh dpt harta, pangkat dan nama.. itu yg kau julang, kan?
aku tau aku x sebaik mane, tapi aku cuba perbaiki diri.
aku tau aku x se'baik' kau.. tp kau amat pasti yg amalan kau akan diterima? 100% pasti?
kau kutuk die, kalo kau berada di tempat die satu hari nnt, ape yg kau akan lakukan?
wat macam die? or lebih teruk lagi?
kau x kena lagi, bleh la berlagak baik, kan?
kau rase kau btol2 faham ia?
ilmu sudah cukup di dada?
satu hari nnt kau atau saudara mara sakit, kau tau la langit tinggi ke rendah,
melutut kau minta utk selamatkan.
kerana ape?
kerana kau x kan sembuh sendiri mcm magic.. ape yg ade ialah pertolongan sementara drpd manusia yg akan cuba utk tolong kau, tp semuanya bergantung pada takdir.
jangan la buat jahat sesama manusia..
kite x taw ble kite akan minta tolong kat die..
kite x taw ape terjadi nanti, kan? mane tau ntah2 kau yg sesat dlu..

aku sgt sedih.. org pandang hina je..
aku teringin sgt nak dpt duit byk supaya dpt pergi tempat lain yg x pernah wujudnye org2 mcm nie.
kerana aku tau, mesti ade satu tempat yg ade jawapan kepada soalan2 yg aku xtau jawapannye, dan aku sangat pasti kau pun x tau.

the hibiscus, PD

I saw this hotel in a pamplet at Lexis hotel. I really want to go to this hotel, PLEASE!! Swimming pool inside the room of course, and the shape of the hotel is according to the national flower, the hibiscus.





Never been here, but wish to spend my holidays here in the future. :)

New year at Lexis hotel, PD

When my mum said she want to go to PD, my sister and i have no feelings at all. For me, its just PD. I always went to PD for holidays, because it's near. The hotel, hmmmmmmmmm... the beach, hmmmmmmmmm... So, u can guess that i'm not excited to spend my holidays there. But when i reached at the hotel, OMG!!! I feel so happy and very excited. I always love d concept of swimming pool inside the room. Finally i can experienced one.

















The good thing is, we got this room for FREE. Muahahahahaha becoz my mum's friend unable to go, then he gv this room to us. We're very lucky. Got some things to do here, but we dun have enough time as we only stayed for 2 days and 1 night only. most of d times, my sis and i were swimming and playing ball..

I don't knw how to describe this hotel, but for me, this is a 5 stars hotel. I love it very much. the staffs were so friendly and kind, also we really enjoyed staying here. will recommed to my friends and family, also will indeed come again in the future. :)

movie updates

Ombak rindu
In my opinion, movie ni biase je, mcm cite Nur Kasih n filem2/drama2 melayu biase. xde ape yg brlainan pun dgn movie ni. balik2 datin yg xnak anak lelaki die kawen dgn pompuan yg xsama taraf dgn kluarga die, lelaki yg berpoya2, si isteri yg tabah, last2 happy ending jgk. but, saye sgt suke lagu2 dlm movie ni. sweet aje.. tgk cite ni sbb maya karin, bukan sbb aaron aziz ye. dh 2 kali tgk, tp saye x tau part mane yg org dok nanges tu.. hurm...~

overall, bleh la kasi 4 stars.. if only movie ni ade kelainan sedikit brbanding filem yg lain, mesti lagi best. tp terpulang la pada cita rasa masing2 kan? :)

Cars 2
Basically, Cars 2 ni lebih kurang je mcm yg 1st. kalo buhsan sgt tu, layankan aje cite nie.. at least leh la gelak2 and rehatkan minda..
 
so, 4 stars for Cars 2 :)

updates

Mission Impossible 4
Sape yg minat and ikut movie ni dari part 1 mmg senang faham la jalan critenye. aku plak baru start tgk..hehe mule2 mmg lambat nak faham, tp lame2 ok la. first2 jln crite agak slow, tp sekejap je. pastu, sgt2 best! sgt suke sbb die wat kat Dubai... :) saye mmg teringin sgt nak gi Dubai~ movie ni best la, klakar, n ade byk gadget yg menarik. hehe




Tom cruise sgt HOT!!!


First time nmpak dress hijau ni, mmg FALL IN LOVE btol.. cantik ok, sgt2 cantik :D


Anil kapoor sgt funny kat dlm movie ni. mmg cute and gelak xhenti2. :) still remeber his movie few years ago, sgt2 sweet...

overall, 5 stars from me for MI:4. :)

Petaling street warriors
Movie ni pasal keturunan diraja di China yg hilangkan diri, dan smpai ke Tanah Melayu (kan?) x ingat sgt, sbb tgk movie ni few weeks ago, dgn my bf, his cousin and our classmates. crite ni die pasal husband n wife yg jual mee, and wife die ni hebat kungfu. husband die ni, one day pegi judi, then kawan die jadikan die penjamin utk pinjam duit. tp dorang kalah judi, so, si husband ni kene la byr hutang2 tu. then suddenly ceti tu dtg rumah die n cari ape2 brg yg berharga kat rumah tu n tbe2 terjumpa cop diraja. last2 baru la tau yg husband tu keturunan diraja n wife die slalu protect die. part last mmg agak pelik, sbb patutnye husband die mati, tp suddenly die hidup balik n pandai kungfu. lol




namewee kali ni just berlakon saje, die x arahkan movie ni..


actually prempuan baju merah tu kan, mcm knal.. tp x ingat die dlm movie or drama ape..


dis guy pun klakar.. maharaja yg comel, ade rambut sikit je kat depan tu.. haha

movie ni ok la, xde la teruk sgt pun. just sit down, n enjoy je movie ni. but, some of terms mmg xfaham la, coz chinese je yg faham... but my bf slalu translate n explain balik, so faham! :) hehe

3 and half stars for u :)

In time
Mule2 tgk crite ni mmg xfaham. ape maksud 'time' yg ade kat tangan die tu, n sape yg control 'time' n etc.. lae2 tgk baru la faham. so, for those yg x faham, 'time' tu ialah jangka hayat yg die bleh hidup. lagi byk time die ade kat tgn die tu, lagi lame la die hidup. yg bestnye, x tua pun.. sume muda2 je.. hehe and 'time' tu bleh dicuri and diberikan kepada sesiapa shj, and usually org kaya mmg ade byk 'time', org miskin ade sikit aje 'time'. 'time' ni pun bleh bwk gamble, kirenye mmg xde duit la dlm movie ni. if nak byr ape2 bil or nal beli ape2, sumenye gune 'time'.


ade justin timberlake... lame xnmpak die..


she's beautiful...





hmm..xnak la tulis byk2 pasal movie ni.. kene tgk sendiri baru faham.. movie ni sgt sedih mase first part.. then mase die revenge tu, mmg best.. so, i gv 5 stars. :)

Twilight saga: Breaking down
sgt2 lame x tgk twilight n mmg x follow pun movie ni.. tp kali ni, rase nak tgk sbb bella n edward kawen, then bella pregnant. so, secara ringkasnye, bella pregnant but anak dlm kandungan die ni buat die jadi sgt2 tenat mase pregnant n die boleh mati. sume org suruh die gugurkan anak tu, tp die refuse. so, last2 die mmg mati, tp edward tukar die jd vampire. but, mmg last2 tu org ingat die mati la, sbb die lgsg xsedarkan diri. but dun worry, kalo bella xde, xde la twilight kan? haha!







honeymoon asek main chess aje.. boring nye honeymoon.. lol -___-"



tgk crite ni dgn my bf, tp die xde prasaan lgsg. cis! romantic n sweet, ok? hehe overall, bagi twilight ni... 4  stars. :)

memories

tbe2 mlm ni rse tringin nak balik mase zaman skola dlu... haish.. ye la, xlame lg dh nak masuk alam pekerjaan pulak, n pastu, biase la, kene bina family sndiri, pastu kerja, kerja,kerja... :( dlu, mse cikgu2 bgtau, zaman skola ni la zaman plg best, aku kate dorang tipu. ye la, aku mmg xsuke zaman skola dlu, sbb mase tu aku kecik lg, kene wat keje skola la, kene ikut je ape ckp mak ayah. even mase dpn ni pun, mostly dorng yg tentukan.. kalo ikutkan, diri ni ade cita2 lain.. pastu, ape yg cikgu bgtau, sume terima je.. xpnah nak soal pun, xpnah nak bantah pun..

skang, lg beberapa bulan je nak abes study. tbe2 td ade satu perasaan kuat utk tgk balik gambar2 dlu.. RINDULAH!!! tp kan, in my opinion, rasenye zaman university ngan mase kat skola asrama penuh dlu yg plg best. yg paling x best mase kat matrik, agaknye sbb matrik tu kat hutan mane tah.. -jahat- :P

post kali ni nak imbau balik zaman university, mase year 1-now. dr mule2 nak pilih university smpai la dh nak grad ni.. mak ayah ade harapan tinggi, nak suruh jadi doktor, tp mgkin takdir lebih kpd farmasi, so, kene amek farmasi la, walaupun mase tu ayah x happy sgt, sbb die nak aku jd doktor. so, pegi la interview sini sane utk dptkan tempat di univeristy swasta, sbb ipta dapat yg x best. actually aku bleh je nak amek doktor, tp sbbkan pointer matrik tu x tinggi sgt, so, xdpt la biasiswa.. medic mmg mahal, ok.. so, ayah kata x mampu kalo nak bayar sndiri. last time dpt offer kat royal college of medicine perak. tp of coz la x pegi kan... Farmasi pun ok ape, lebih kurang macam doktor jgk, cuma kami lebih 'bersih' -> only deals dgn ubat2 shj. mule2 dpt offer study kat IMU, tapi ayah mcm x suke, so dpt plak offer kat university skang ni.. :) ok la, dpt biasiswa lagi.. :)

so, mase 1st year, mmg xknal sape2... ade kawan2 dr skolah asrama penuh dulu, tp dorang amek medic. oh ye, nape x amek medic kat U skang ni? sbb mase interview dlu, doktor2 tu sume kate aku lebih kpd farmasi, based on cara aku jawab, essay n results. so, mmg takdir dah farmasi. huhuhu :) mase orientasi dan proses nak daftar tu sume mmg berjalan lancar la.. xde masalah pun. so, mula2 knal dgn my housemates la, since dorang pun xde kawan2 jgk. haha so, most of d times, mmg dgn my housemates, even until now. :)

oh ye, semester 1 tu, blom knal lagi dgn my bf skang ni, even ktorang satu claz. satu claz ktorang ade 33 org je.. 9 org lelaki n the rest sume pompuan.. tp kan, aku ingat lg mase tu kat dlm claz, mase awal2 sememester, lecturer suke tanye soalan ni, "sape yg drpd foundation university ni?" so, budak2 foundation pun sume angkat tangan la. siyes, aku rase nyampah gle.. mcm la bgus sgt.. hahaha jahatnye aku mase tu.. :P then satu row duduk dlm claz mase tu was my bf. tp mase tu still xde rase ape2, coz aku mase tu still ade bf (dr matrik).

bleh kate, mmg xknal sgt budak2 dlm claz tu... by time to time, just alert je la name dorang, tego2 sket.. n mcm tu je la.. ktorang pun byk wat aktiviti same2, so, lame2 mmg dah knal. and i still remember d first time i knw his name, during d chemistry claz. but still, xde perasaan pun time tu. soon, after dah breakup dgn my bf yg kat matrik tu, aku mmg gle sedih la. but later, knal pulak dgn my abg angkat, yg juga my senior kat fakulti farmasi ni. die sgt2 HENSEM, ok. mase semester 1 aku mmg byk crush. minat kat die nie la, minat kat die tu pulak.. even minat kat lecturer. yg mane hensem2 sume aku minat. yg aku agak proud dgn diri ni kan, aku ade effort nak knal dgn dorang, sumenye aku wat sendiri. especially my abg angkat ni la. ktorang pun slow2 rapat, then smpai skang pun rapat. aku ske ckp die hensem.. hehe

after christmas 2008 tu, aku mula la knal dgn my bf now.. die yg mulakan semuanye. (suke bile lelaki yg make move in relationship. :) ) die yg add aku kat ym, then ktorang chat hari2.. ble2 ade mase free  je mmg chat. kalo exam week tu, kdg2 dr pagi smpai mlm. kdg2 ble stay up, ktorang akan chat same2 d whole night. die mmg baik la, each time aku on9, mmg die yg tego aku dlu, n kirenye die la yg wat sumenye.. mmg nmpak effort die nk lebih kenal dgn aku. soon, die amek my hp number frm our clazmate jgk, xtaw sape. haha lagi la ktorang rapat, sbb die bleh sms aku ble2 mase je kot..

so sweet sbenarnye kisah cinta ktorang... mcm hannah ckp, our love story ni mcm drama korea. haha tp both of us (my bf n i) agree yg ktorang ni mcm sepet. lol -_______-" dlm byk2 org, die la yg plg faham aku, dan satu2nye org yg xpnah complaint ble dgn aku. ye la, aku ni panas baran, asek nk menang je n etc... and dlm byk2 aku couple kan, my bf now yg paling sabar n paling sayang kat aku, even kitorang different race. susah nak dpt org mcm ni, seriously. so, if korang dah dpt sum1 yg sesuai dgn korang, yg always there dgn korang ups n downs, jgn la lepaskan couple korang tu. cuba pertahankn selama yg boleh.

year 2 mmg year yg agak mencabar bg aku. xnak la ingat balik ape yg jadi. xnak jugak ingat kat orang psycho tu. so, overall, year 2 xde ape2 sgt... oh ye, year 2 ni la result aku plg gempak skali.. sbelum aku dpt illness mase year 3. Year 3 pun mencabar gak, sbb aku dpt major depression, spj year 3 mmg obvious la, aku x happy sgt, x gelak gile2 mcm dlu, asek bad mood aje, result pun sgt teruk, pointer jatuh.. and the person yg selamatkan aku was my bf. die yg bawak aku gi jumpa doktor, amek ubat n buat rawatan.. n now, dah sihat :)

year 4 ni dh mula dgn semangat baru, even byk benda yg tertinggal mase year 2 and year 3 dlu, kene la kejar balik, dgn memory yg x sebrp kuat ni.. tp at least, xde la give up mase year 2 and year 3 dlu, byg kan, lagi 15 minit nak masuk exam hall, aku bleh give up mcm tu aje, n sume yg aku baca hilang, n xdpt recall sgt. sedey la jgk. aku tawakal je time tu, result nak kuar mcm mane pun, redha je la.. tp skang dah berbeza sgt. aku cuba smpai habis... xde lg give up mcm dlu. :) so, dah nak final semester lagi satu minggu lebey ni, nak kene wat semangat baru. saye bakal jadi ahli farmasi tak lama lagi. :)

i wonder

i wonder... if u're willing to runaway with me, n leave averything behind, just to be with me?

i wonder...if u're willing to always be there to help me stands up again?

i wonder...if u're willing to love me if one day i'm no longer beautiful or useless to u?

i wonder...if i'm no longer by ur side, will u remember me and wish that i'm the one who's next to u?

i wonder...if i need to go to a place, faraway from here, will u follow me or will u wait for me?

i wonder...if everyone is against me, will u stand by my side, and believe me?

i wonder...if everyone left me, will u be there, hug me and wash away my tears?

i wonder...if it's worth trying and waiting...

mix feelings...

i don't know whether i must stay or go?

i don't know, whether i'm ready to stand alone.

i just need my own space. i just need u. u always there for me. i wonder its ur willingness or u just sympathy to me. it's may sound crazy and 'lame', but, for now, i just feel that, if i fail in this relationship, i don't want to be in relationship anymore. thinking of just adopting a child, and just go on with life. yes, for now, i'm giving up. sorry, i just can't trust malay man. my past...makes me afraid. this is just my feelings for now. don't know what happen in future.

tutup tirai 21..

kurang 24jan dr skang, saye akan masuk 22thn.. :)
so, imbas balik spj tahun ni... ermmm.... well,.. mcm2 jgk la yg jadi kat saye...
yg paling top skali, saye gi dpt kan treatment...
so, bleh kate, mmg berkesan la treatment tu...
saye pun bertambah sihat, and dpt rase yg saye smakin positif..
mmg xsalah gi treatment tu.. tgk je la saye skang, makin happy n positif..
dah xde give up lagi b4 nak masuk exam hall...
dah xde nanges2 lagi...
ade la jgk nanges... tp xde la tiap2 hari mcm dulu..
dah xde gaduh2 lg dgn die...
n tahun ni bleh dikatakan kejayaan utk x dengar org ngumpat...
serius! mmg dah lame xdgr... kdg2 je dgr.. tu pun kalo dorang yg dtg bgtau...
lol..
tp saye still xde rase nak jadi aktif cam dlu...
rase2 nak start drawing balik, n masuk class pun ade, tp still x ready nak wat...
rase nak main sports pun ade, tp still x rase nak wat...
xpe.. bleh improve lagi... :)
exam ari tu? emmm... ok la... xtau la leh jawab ke x.. haha.. sbb x yakin sgt... tp saye dah cuba yg terbaik dan saye akan trus cuba lagi.
rase mcm saye dah bazirkan satu tahun... ntah la... mgkin ade sebab knape saye jd mcm tu kot..
mgkin sbb dah lame simpan perasaan geram, sakit hati, x adil, menyampah....
so, ble saye ckp kat diri sendiri, knape sume tu msti saye ambil kesah sgt?
bukannye penting pon... bukannye akan ubah dunia pon...
so, saye amik kputusan utk x amek peduli lagi, dan teruskan hidup ni...
cume saye harap, saye x toleh belakang lagi, dan perlahan2 mula lepaskan masa lalu...

cam pelik je ari ni... ye... mgkin sbb x cukup tido... haha
ok, cukup la..
saye harap esok saye akan mulakan satu perjalanan baru, dgn positif dan Happy!
so, Happy birthday to me.. :)

happy :D

I'm happy now... I have a big smile on my face. :D

outing with friends n bf :)

last thursday all of us, (my bf, my housemates and my classmates) went to B. lalang to play kites. we had lots of fun at the beach, and they were playing kites. i'm not intesrested to play, actually and i just talking and laughed as they compete each other on who's kite will not fell on the ground. haha..  we just finished our final exam and we decided to go for outing to release stress after exam. Actually it was my housemates' idea. i just said ok, bcoz there were few times i turned them down when they asked me out. i felt sorry for them as i used to hang out a lot with them during 1st year and 2nd year.

we laughed, played kites, talking and we're having so much fun. until they decided to had seafood for dinner. well, i'm not a big fan of seafood but my bf asked to to join, and he really2 want me to join them. actually i'm quite tired and sleepy as i don't have enough sleep for the past 3 weeks due to exam weeks and study week.but then, i thought, a dinner won't be so bad, then i said ok, and asked them to find the best seafood restaurant there. hahahaha as it is my bf's hometown, so he told them which of the restaurant is the best. The workers quite shocked as there were actually a big number of us, and they set up a long table for us. my bf and some of my friends went to order the food, while some of us including me, just sat at the table and talking.

suddenly, out of no where, my roomate, came out with a huge birthday cake, and all of us sang the birthday song. i'm not shocked as i thougt d cake was for ws, as her birthday also in december. then finally my roomates brought the cake in front of me, and they all wished me happy birthday. ok, shocking, seriously, as it was an advanced birthday celebration. so sweet, they tried to hide it from me, and my bf also never told me anything about it. the funny part was, i also sang the birthday song and eventually sang ws's name. hahaha she laughed real hard and said they went to celebrate last time but i was busy doing my research and last minutes study for exam.

so happy they palnned a birthday celebration for me. so sweet.. :) i always love my housemates and my bf, as they were people who really close to me in college.  my roomates, they understand me better, and really care of me. thank u so much, everyone. :)

Oh yea.. can't wait for our holidays next year in Indonesia (class trip- but only half of the classmates are going) and Sabah (my housemates- 7 people, ws's bf, my bf and 3 of our classmates; some of our classmates also planning to join but not yet confirm). Its going to be lots of fun hang around with my friends and bf. :)

next event- going to Pd (-___-") with my mum and sis. Actually in my opinion, Pd is boring, and the beach is dirty, not like last time... we suggest to mum to go to different places, but she refused as pd is very near to our house, and easy for her to come back home. lol... so, i guess will be celebrating new year in pd.. yes, i celebrate new year by watching tv.hahahaha i don't like party or whatsoever, ok? not a big problem, and i like it, as every year, since i was small, my family celebrates new year.

another upcoming event is my bf's birthday as well as my roomates' birthday in January. oh yea, also hanis's birthday.. i already got few plans for my bf's birthday, but i have none for my friends. i think will discuss with my housemates about it.

this is another story. i don't know, somehow, i don't like the those two 'crows'. i think that they are very rude to some people in the class and they are very good in pretending to be nice. i think some of us know about this, especially her ex-bestfriend. but we're professionals, and we don't want to raise the matter, as it seems to me it is sort of childish. but its hurt, they hurt me, and i don't feel like want to be nice to them anymore.

well, like my bf always said, just pretend they don't exist, and they are black, and we cannot see them.  (crows). well, what goes around comes around. now u will be at the top, and everything is doing fine for u and u will think that u're right and made the best decision. But, u wait until one fine day when u fall down and hurt urself and the the only thing u will think of is ur family- the one u left for ur disgusting hairy bf. (i know i'm bad, but i'm really angry rite now.will ignored later). like her ex-best friend said, when u fall down i will be the one who will laugh real hard.

mood: Shopping!! :D

 

this is one of my favourite choice.. thinking want to buy or x..

love it :)

can i wear this for dinner? hmmmm

i love black dress :) :) :)

wow... i love it!!!!

:)

this is soooooo cute!!

for once in my life, i would like to wear this. hehe

i wantttttttttttttttttttttttt

Rase nk shopping dress utk annual faculty dinner la.......... tp next year...... lambat lg....... :(

tp still xde idea nak yg mcm mane...

First year: Black short dress

2nd year: Black + gold short dress

3rd year: Purple long dress

Final year: i'm thinking of wearing a long white dress... but still thinking....



 

oh yea... still exam week now... lg 2 paper...

x sabar nk abes n shopping... tp sbenarye cam xde masa. coz nak kene hantar final research paper 1 week after exam.. mcm2 nak kene edit...

talked to my lecturer juz nw.. he said, i should do whatever that makes me happy. he actually gv opinion for me to dance. i said, " i cannot dance. i dont know how to dance. lol -___-" " then he said, "u wont be 22years old forever. when u gets old, u wont be able to dance and enjoy anymore. For once, try dancing.. or anything u never thought u would do. and anything that makes u happy, with those people u feel comfortable with."

noted. thank u. :)

hmmmm....

Hope i am stronger than before.

I dun wanna think to much starting from now.

I am letting go of my past.

:)

thank u, prof. :)